I did not set off to find the Heavenly mother, so why did I?

1. About the time that I had the experience of feeling that I was in the Mother’s presence and giving my heart to her, I also had several experiences with seeing angels/spirits. Once when talking about these “rare” but not totally uncommon experiences with a good friend in the Department of Family Sciences, he remarked gently, “Having an experience with the Mother in Heaven is a probably good thing for a man who’s a physics professor.”

I think I understand some of where he was coming from on this. I had been reading a “Little Book on the Human Shadow” by Robert Bly before the trip to Littleton, Colorado that I mention in my blog post. It talks about “shadow work”, and the nourishment we can get from our shadow. I was ready to look at what was in my shadow at this point I was a 43-year-old, white, male physics professor in the hard sciences. One should not be surprised, following my friends thinking, that in there might be a powerful feminine presence and I may have been not giving her her due.  (The “shadow”, as I am using it here, is not evil. It contains the characteristics we haven’t emphasized which may be in our unconscious.)

I did not set out to find the Mother in Heaven, at least consciously. By disposition, age and choice I had been pushing back the frontiers of knowledge for several decades. This is more of the “hero’s quest” more than the Mother’s work. (Willow in the eponymous tale who leaves on a hero’s task vs. Kiya who stay home with children but without her husband’s support and in poverty.) There was, however, a part of me that wanted to do another part of what academics are supposed to do and take joy in: that is, to mentor their students, nourish them and bring them along, and yes, occasionally to “mother them”.   That was the part of me that responded so quickly to the image presented in “Strangers in Paradox” of the Heavenly Mother as “Madre Dolorosa” being with us, her children in our trials on the earth rather than in the heavens.  I believe my doing “shadow work”, feeling heart quicken to the call to serve my fellow humans as she does when this image was presented to me is why I turned so quickly and called out so strongly to her. I also think that the susceptibility of my mind to “seeing” subtle things at this time allowed me to hear her respond to my thanks for what she does “thank you, I love you, too.”

I write this tonight because I’ve been reflecting on what some say “perhaps I’ve not really given my heart fully.”  Katie Gibson Jacobsen wrote “It seems so simple -- just desire to know her, and desire to nourish, and you can. But it also seems impossible at the same time. Maybe I just haven't surrendered yet.”  I’m trying to see if any of the experiences and preparation that led up to the surprise are helpful to others. God knows for many years I tried to give my heart to Jesus. And I can’t recall any dramatic manifestation. But when I say the words “I know that Jesus loves me” I have the warm confirmation of the spirit that I know this. It’s been more of the slow realization.

I’m hoping that this helps some friends. It may be the Heavenly Mother we hope to find, but it is Jesus who we meet first. (After all he is her beloved.) Or it may be the Divine Feminine as the Daughter, the Dragon-slayer, or as Wisdom or as Life.  And God is an ocean. No, that’s not exactly it is it?   I was hoping that saying something about how God has many names/attributes and has been known in many ways by good people over the ages, hoping that might help here. Indeed, it might be in a subtle way that we come to know her. It may be walking in the dark alone and then not realizing when we are not alone but are comforted by a still, small presence and we can’t say exactly when it joined us.  But she is there with us. 

This is what I believe to be true: My reading of the Scriptures- of what Jesus said about himself as recorded in the Gospels leads me to believe that is the nature of God to testify of other members of the Godhead but not of themselves. And thus she testifies of him when we ask her about God.  At the beginning of this year I ask Jesus if the Mother could not be more manifest. 

“Knowing Her gives me such joy.” I told Him.  “I glory in her love, her being, her work and her joy.  It makes me rejoice every day.  I know that millions know/have known or will know her.  But can that time be now?  Please, can she be more manifest to those who desire her?  May she come more fully in the World? ”

And after a time I heard in my mind Her quietly speaking these thoughts, “Let them come to me.  I am here to receive. I will not be hidden to them. Those who come to me desiring, will know me and I will hold them in my arms.”  And I was very excited, for I know She speaks the truth.  That is her nature. Therefore, I firmly believe that if any would truly know her better, ask.  Children of Wisdom, now is that time.  She will make herself known. 

Now I sat on this knowledge for a while. Because exactly how does one share it?  But that is the purpose of this group, so I’ve shared what I believe is her intent. Therefore I’m interested in how she will make yourself known to you. Because I believe that this will happen. But I believe it will be according to our circumstances and needs, so the story will not be the same for any two of us.

2. When my daughter Miriam was very small we all went to tithing settlement. She’d been explained that tithing is money that we give back to God. We got there she did not want to give the money to the Bishop. It was after all for Jesus and she wanted to give it to him directly.

But none of us can’t make Jesus show up. The appearance of God is not mechanical. Our coming into the presence of God is not by mechanism.  None of us can bring ourselves into the presence of God, let alone do this for others.  God is/are a free and independent agent. We don’t know why she does what she does. Jesus’ word come to mind. “The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit.”  We are grateful for the grace we receive.

But having said that there may be personal patterns for devotion that can help us.  I find that

3. Four years ago at Sunstone

This was a new beginning for me. I wanted to share with the sisters there my experiences with the hope that it would be an inspiration to others to persevere. But can’t it also be a rebuke when others don’t get the same experience. That can be a discouraging part. Why don’t others have the same experience? There was nothing about worthiness or intensity of desire in my experience. So why did I have it and others didn’t? Janice was in the car-driving it. She felt the spirit but not in the same intensity I had. She had done more reading and preparation than I had.  I don’t have a satisfactory answer for everyone.

It may be that Heavenly Mother has accepted other people’s commitment, but the experience of acceptance isn’t on the surface. It may be that people will experience soul-shaking events at another time and another place in their life and with another aspect of God. The image I’ve had this weekend is of my being one of the weakest of the saints in getting a “remedial-kindergarten” manifestation. Whereas for others their experience maybe at a higher level and see God in a more consolidated way-as the eye-searing, bright and burning light that brings together many of her attributes together in an instant. 

4. “God is an ocean.” As I say the words and an image comes.  And as it comes each time it is more clear and detailed. 

5.       The Experience I had  mother in heaven while on I-70 headed westward was very intense and I wondered why I was so fortunate is to have this. Then I knew that millions have/had/will have such an experience with her. I am nobody special. That was very comforting. But I hoped that more would have the experience, that I would find more people who had had such an experience. And I have reflected on why me. Janice told me that she was glad for the experience that I had because it helped her know that her understanding of the heavenly mother was right. I think many times we have such experiences not for ourselves but for those around us.