I had hopes for more having experience with the Divine Woman in 1991 but it was not to be.

The epiphany with mother in heaven was in 1990 and one of  my blog posts talks about what had happened as of the two month of 1991. I had hoped that the leaders of the church would also be getting revelation about our mother in heaven. Instead it soon seemed things were going the other way. A young lady prayed to mother and father in heaven in a public meeting at BYU. I had some dread when I heard this because it seemed that perhaps it was being done for effect and not from knowledge. I’ve since decided that I was probably too judgmental, but then I was coming from a true believing Mormon background. I was being faced with conflicts between what I’d hoped would happen-leaders having contact with mother in heaven and speaking of that from the pulpit- and what was really happening-putting the act of praying to mother in heaven as a first intimation of apostasy.

Instead of things getting better for those who hope for our mother in heaven becoming more recognized, about this time church leaders begin speak against praying to mother in heaven and warned local leaders to look for the first signs of apostasy.

 Janice Allred wrote in: “White Bird Flying: My Struggle for a More Loving, Tolerant, and Egalitarian Church.” “President Gordon B. Hinckley, first counselor to the largely nonfunctioning President Ezra Taft Benson, had given an address to the Regional Representatives in April 1991, warning them to beware of ‘small beginnings of apostasy.’ Prayers to Mother in Heaven were cited as an example. He repeated that portion of his speech to the women's general meeting in September 1991. I knew of several women who had been released from callings and chastised just for talking about the Heavenly Mother.”

This is what I wrote in August of 1991.

About the time of Sunstone this year we became a aware that President Hinckley in a training session for regional Representatives and Area Presidents had discussed apostasy in the sense of the great apostasy in the years after the twelve's death and told them to be watchful for such things.  The example which he choose was that of the practice of some to pray to our Heavenly Mother.  Janice got a copy of the speech, it may have been, from the redemptive Cooking Club. It rapidly became a topic of private conversation and some intense personal concern for me because I pray to Her frequently in my private prayers and long for a time and place to testify of her and praise her to others. I am doing that more now to private groups. At a meeting of the Mormon Women's Forum August after the meeting the subject came up somehow. Nanette Stone told of her experience in seeing her own dead parents and then behind them her Heavenly Parents. I told her and the other two or three listening of my experience. The comments were well received and it felt good to be able to share knowledge of her which so enlivens me.

It doesn't seem accidental that Gordon Hinckley would say what he said in this way. At the Sunstone theological panel Daniel Rector[1] called attention to the regional representative talk with the observation in his prediction for the future of Mormon Theology that “He was inspired to make the statements.” Now Daniel doesn't believe it is wrong to pray to her, that we know nothing of her etc. He told me that he feels that he is inspired to know that this is the issue of our time and this may force more to respond to their beliefs. Indeed…

I have wonder since last year when I had the epiphany what to say about Janice and my experience to  our fellow saints.  From the beginning I felt that I shouldn't talk of it generally. It would be premature.  There is precedence for members receiving important  knowledge of the character of God and godliness before such were announced to  the church.  Snow heard the couplet “As man is God once was and as God is Man  may become,” in about 1831 years before the King Follett address and Eliza Snow talked of “I have a mother there,”  in the poem which has become “Oh, My Father” to have the president of the  church later confirm it.  I have worried that discussing such things ahead of time could polarize the church and precipitate rash statements contradicting the truth which could make it hard for the members since later leaders would find themselves in having to reverse themselves.   The thought of the massive and painful rejection that we could experience is also sobering. My employer  is the church and BYU professors have been dismissed for speaking unorthodox  views, but I know all along that I cannot deny her, come what come and I long  for the day that I can speak openly of such things and that She would let me  testify of her. It may not be premature now to speak of her. The future may be here now much quicker than I had imagined because of Hinckley's comment.  That is why though my first response was a touch of dread and anxiety that if what I know I were generally known to believe some might wish to drum me out as being in de facto apostasy, I have welcomed this as evidence of Her coming revelation and I feel more desire, boldness and, indeed, assent to speak of Her.

Still I want to conform to the requirements of the church.  Could I stop praying to her privately?  Janice and I were talking about this on the way back from the Bagley's (Kathy Ray was in from NJ) Sunday night Aug. 11, 1991.  Could I not worship her?   It is different for us than for others.  I have been in Her presence and knew it.  Janice said “If you are in the presence of deity you have no choice but to worship.” Actually there is another unthinkable action and that is to turn ones back, but that is a too horrible sin, to deny the Holy Ghost. We have talked several times about the praying of the Nephites to Jesus Christ when he was with them.  Some have said we are not to pray to Jesus, but these did and Jesus did not rebuke them but explained that they did so because he was with them.  He was God.  To be in the presence of deity makes the world different for you from that time forth.  I can't not worship Her and Him because to do so would be to deny them.  I can't do that!  It may be different for those who haven't had this experience.

Janice says she has wondered long what worship means.  As we had this conversation she say that she sees that being in the presence of God is to worship him (them) and to worship is to put yourself into the presence of God. 

The next is a note that I wrote to send to Paul. I think it was to my brother-in-law, Paul Toscano. This was before September 1993. I don’t know if the note was ever sent.
“There will be a discussion sponsored by the Mormon Women's Forum on Sept. 7, while I am in Wales, on “How should we Worship our Mother in Heaven?” If it seems good maybe Paul, you could present our experience something like this, because many are going to say that we don't know anything about Her and it’s all an intellectual exercise anyway so why worry about it?” ‘I have some friends who have had an experience.  It isn't a common experience in some ways but in some ways it just what we ask people to do. Have a spiritual experience and gain a testimony of Jesus and Heavenly Father, but these people, who are committed LDS and have a testimony of Jesus and God, had an experience with Our Mother.  Now this was an intense spiritual experience, an epiphany. They were in Her presence. This wasn't something they set out to have, but it happened to them nevertheless.  They knew it was real and true and could not deny it. One of them said at the end of experience, “I gave my heart to our Mother.” You might go on to read selected items from what I wrote at the time. Please mention that this experience has not weaken our commitment to Jesus, but has deepened it. We realize that They are one. “Now some say that this is all an intellectual matter, that it really doesn't affect our salvation.  But for these it is not. They know and have been in Her presence.”  “How they worship Her, and now if they will be allowed to pray to Her even in private prayers, is a daily issue.”  Then discuss what worship is, the people near the temple in Bountiful when Jesus was with them and their praying to Him. Argue that when people have had experience like these, and they assuredly are the only ones, it isn't just optional to worship the Mother, not to do so is to deny her.  “It is wrong for members of the  church, even if they are the leaders, to ask their fellow Saints who have had  such experiences to stop their worship, in every  way, of Her, as well as Him.’

End of what I wrote in 1991

So things were not looking good at the end of 1991 for honoring the mother in heaven in the LDS faith. I had just finished my three-year review at BYU in 1990 and was working towards “continuing status” (tenure). It was a bit of a bind for me. Now, I had received no direction from Heavenly Mother that I was to do anything special. I wanted to do her work in helping people in their needs. There were plenty of opportunities to do that. I knew I could do it without making a stir-essentially it is doing the service that Jesus would have you do. But I was uncomfortable with the disconnect between what I had learned and what the church was saying about people who believed and did as I did. We had eight children at the time and were trying to raise them as active Latter-day Saints.

Fast forwarding 24 years.  Daniel Rector was probably right. But it had been not what I expected at all.

One thing I want to make clear is that in spite of all the problems that might come up if you know

---

[1] Daniel Rector was editor for the Sunstone magazine at this time. He was a son of Elder Hartman Rector of the 70 and an active member of the church.

I did not set off to find the Heavenly mother, so why did I?

1. About the time that I had the experience of feeling that I was in the Mother’s presence and giving my heart to her, I also had several experiences with seeing angels/spirits. Once when talking about these “rare” but not totally uncommon experiences with a good friend in the Department of Family Sciences, he remarked gently, “Having an experience with the Mother in Heaven is a probably good thing for a man who’s a physics professor.”

I think I understand some of where he was coming from on this. I had been reading a “Little Book on the Human Shadow” by Robert Bly before the trip to Littleton, Colorado that I mention in my blog post. It talks about “shadow work”, and the nourishment we can get from our shadow. I was ready to look at what was in my shadow at this point I was a 43-year-old, white, male physics professor in the hard sciences. One should not be surprised, following my friends thinking, that in there might be a powerful feminine presence and I may have been not giving her her due.  (The “shadow”, as I am using it here, is not evil. It contains the characteristics we haven’t emphasized which may be in our unconscious.)

I did not set out to find the Mother in Heaven, at least consciously. By disposition, age and choice I had been pushing back the frontiers of knowledge for several decades. This is more of the “hero’s quest” more than the Mother’s work. (Willow in the eponymous tale who leaves on a hero’s task vs. Kiya who stay home with children but without her husband’s support and in poverty.) There was, however, a part of me that wanted to do another part of what academics are supposed to do and take joy in: that is, to mentor their students, nourish them and bring them along, and yes, occasionally to “mother them”.   That was the part of me that responded so quickly to the image presented in “Strangers in Paradox” of the Heavenly Mother as “Madre Dolorosa” being with us, her children in our trials on the earth rather than in the heavens.  I believe my doing “shadow work”, feeling heart quicken to the call to serve my fellow humans as she does when this image was presented to me is why I turned so quickly and called out so strongly to her. I also think that the susceptibility of my mind to “seeing” subtle things at this time allowed me to hear her respond to my thanks for what she does “thank you, I love you, too.”

I write this tonight because I’ve been reflecting on what some say “perhaps I’ve not really given my heart fully.”  Katie Gibson Jacobsen wrote “It seems so simple -- just desire to know her, and desire to nourish, and you can. But it also seems impossible at the same time. Maybe I just haven't surrendered yet.”  I’m trying to see if any of the experiences and preparation that led up to the surprise are helpful to others. God knows for many years I tried to give my heart to Jesus. And I can’t recall any dramatic manifestation. But when I say the words “I know that Jesus loves me” I have the warm confirmation of the spirit that I know this. It’s been more of the slow realization.

I’m hoping that this helps some friends. It may be the Heavenly Mother we hope to find, but it is Jesus who we meet first. (After all he is her beloved.) Or it may be the Divine Feminine as the Daughter, the Dragon-slayer, or as Wisdom or as Life.  And God is an ocean. No, that’s not exactly it is it?   I was hoping that saying something about how God has many names/attributes and has been known in many ways by good people over the ages, hoping that might help here. Indeed, it might be in a subtle way that we come to know her. It may be walking in the dark alone and then not realizing when we are not alone but are comforted by a still, small presence and we can’t say exactly when it joined us.  But she is there with us. 

This is what I believe to be true: My reading of the Scriptures- of what Jesus said about himself as recorded in the Gospels leads me to believe that is the nature of God to testify of other members of the Godhead but not of themselves. And thus she testifies of him when we ask her about God.  At the beginning of this year I ask Jesus if the Mother could not be more manifest. 

“Knowing Her gives me such joy.” I told Him.  “I glory in her love, her being, her work and her joy.  It makes me rejoice every day.  I know that millions know/have known or will know her.  But can that time be now?  Please, can she be more manifest to those who desire her?  May she come more fully in the World? ”

And after a time I heard in my mind Her quietly speaking these thoughts, “Let them come to me.  I am here to receive. I will not be hidden to them. Those who come to me desiring, will know me and I will hold them in my arms.”  And I was very excited, for I know She speaks the truth.  That is her nature. Therefore, I firmly believe that if any would truly know her better, ask.  Children of Wisdom, now is that time.  She will make herself known. 

Now I sat on this knowledge for a while. Because exactly how does one share it?  But that is the purpose of this group, so I’ve shared what I believe is her intent. Therefore I’m interested in how she will make yourself known to you. Because I believe that this will happen. But I believe it will be according to our circumstances and needs, so the story will not be the same for any two of us.

2. When my daughter Miriam was very small we all went to tithing settlement. She’d been explained that tithing is money that we give back to God. We got there she did not want to give the money to the Bishop. It was after all for Jesus and she wanted to give it to him directly.

But none of us can’t make Jesus show up. The appearance of God is not mechanical. Our coming into the presence of God is not by mechanism.  None of us can bring ourselves into the presence of God, let alone do this for others.  God is/are a free and independent agent. We don’t know why she does what she does. Jesus’ word come to mind. “The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit.”  We are grateful for the grace we receive.

But having said that there may be personal patterns for devotion that can help us.  I find that

3. Four years ago at Sunstone

This was a new beginning for me. I wanted to share with the sisters there my experiences with the hope that it would be an inspiration to others to persevere. But can’t it also be a rebuke when others don’t get the same experience. That can be a discouraging part. Why don’t others have the same experience? There was nothing about worthiness or intensity of desire in my experience. So why did I have it and others didn’t? Janice was in the car-driving it. She felt the spirit but not in the same intensity I had. She had done more reading and preparation than I had.  I don’t have a satisfactory answer for everyone.

It may be that Heavenly Mother has accepted other people’s commitment, but the experience of acceptance isn’t on the surface. It may be that people will experience soul-shaking events at another time and another place in their life and with another aspect of God. The image I’ve had this weekend is of my being one of the weakest of the saints in getting a “remedial-kindergarten” manifestation. Whereas for others their experience maybe at a higher level and see God in a more consolidated way-as the eye-searing, bright and burning light that brings together many of her attributes together in an instant. 

4. “God is an ocean.” As I say the words and an image comes.  And as it comes each time it is more clear and detailed. 

5.       The Experience I had  mother in heaven while on I-70 headed westward was very intense and I wondered why I was so fortunate is to have this. Then I knew that millions have/had/will have such an experience with her. I am nobody special. That was very comforting. But I hoped that more would have the experience, that I would find more people who had had such an experience. And I have reflected on why me. Janice told me that she was glad for the experience that I had because it helped her know that her understanding of the heavenly mother was right. I think many times we have such experiences not for ourselves but for those around us.

I have known Heavenly Mother for 25 years. I did not consciously set out to know Her, but when I heard one aspect of her work explained, in an instant I gave my whole self to her in joy, and I turned and she was there and I was not sure that I would go on living. Having her companionship changes me and gives me joy every day. I earnestly hope that this may be your happiness too.
I pray often that The Divine Mother will come more fully upon the Earth. Hope that millions will know her, burns in me. For several years I have wondering why She is not more clearly manifest to us her children. I have wondered, is it in the nature of She who is “God-with-us” only to bear witness of her beloved rather than herself? Clearly She delights in Him. Will she make herself more known?
So about the turning of the year I spoke earnestly to Jesus something like this, struggling to forge the phrases that capture our situation:
“Many more of us need to know our Mother. So many are asking to know her. There is an emptiness, a hunger to know her, to know her better and feel her arms around us. I feel it, see it, and hear it. The world is being suffocated in a false maleness without the balance of the beloved Woman of holiness. In the church the words, the concepts, and the point of view are all from the perspective of men, older white men. Mostly they don’t recognize this or see it as a problem. But it scraps so many of us raw.
“When will the time come when all the good gifts of all are honored? When every woman and man can speak in the name of the Lady and the Lord? And we can sing a new song of joy in symphony?
“Knowing Her gives me such joy.” I told Him. “I glory in her love, her being, her work and her joy. It makes me rejoice every day. I know that millions know/have known or will know her. But can that time be now? Please, can she be more manifest to those who desire her? May she come more fully in the World? ”
And after a time I heard in my mind Her quietly speaking these thoughts, “Let them come to me. I am here to receive. I will not be hidden to them. Who come to me desiring will know me and I will hold them in my arms.” And I was very excited, for I know She speaks the truth. That is her nature. Therefore, I firmly believe that if any would truly know her better, ask. Children of Wisdom, now is that time. She will make herself known.
I confess this to you. I have waited too long in telling you, after I understood clearly what Mother told me. It might have given someone peace months ago. Now, I have my excuses. (Yes, I know that they are not good excuses.) I was busy. I didn’t know who I should tell or exactly how to do it. And temporizing, “Her availability is a truth independent of anyone declaring it. Do I really need to do speak?” So I thought about her comforting words for weeks and fussed with the words I wrote about them and found other things to do. But it is good to speak the good work- it will be meaningful to someone-even when the words are manifestly imperfect. And it is better to speak them without delay. I believe that some have already learned that she is ready to communicate to you in ways that work for you-and there are many ways. But if you have not, She is there. As Jesus is quoted as saying in a fragment of the Gospel of the Hebrews, a lost gospel. “He who seeks will not stop till he find; and having found, he will wonder; and wondering, he will reign; and reigning, he will rest.” And I will say “Change the pronouns: “She who seeks…
Please continue to share your experiences, how you are coming to know her, have come to know Her, and what you have learned. It is food to the soul.

This week marks 25 years since I had an extraordinary encounter with our mother in heaven

I would like to quote that here:

Adapted from documents written 1991.  Jan. 15, 1991

This is something that happened to me last summer. It is so important and so important that I have to create a more permanent file than the notes that I had at the time. I say that this happened to me last summer and it did, but in another sense it started long ago and it is still going on now. It is important that I write this but I am not sure who I will share it with at the presence. Janice knows, of course, so do Margaret and Paul and Chuck and Sue Kroupa.

This was written Monday Feb. 11, 1991

I gave my heart to our Mother on the Earth, the Comforter. It remains a vital and shaping event in my life. I use the pronoun ‘she’ in talking of the comforter. This is natural for me not a conscious decision. In public prayers I frequently have to change the construction of what I’m about to say to avoid revealing more than I’ve been willing to talk about in public and to avoid giving offense. But at home with Janice, I often pray to, and in prayer refer to, Our Heavenly Father and Mother or to our “Heavenly Parents” and I want to prayer to “Our Mother who is with us” directly. It seems right and proper to me. For she is she who is with her children in their sorrows and has been since the beginning and I want to join with her in the work of comforting.

And of all the Godhead she is the one with whom I have had the most direct and recent contact. I want to talk to her and I don’t think that this is wrong, but I’m not sure how much to mention in public or how much to say.  Silently to myself I pray to her during the day and when it is quiet and I am meditating I feel I am sharing my thoughts with her. I feel her presence from time to time distinctly, at least several times during a month. I love her and need a means of communion and reverence. Just a few days ago I complained to Janice that there is no forum to talk of such things or to pray, it would be to shocking to the congregation at large. It’s an impossible situation now; there is no congregation where I could talk of her freely. She said, “Yes, there is such a group.  The sisters at the retreats wouldn’t be shocked, they talk that way. But there would be shocked to have you there. It is impossible for you,” She said thinking of the all women retreats.

March 22, 1991.   When I hear people talking of feeling Heavenly Father’s love and knowing that he is close I wonder, “Was it the Mother that was close?” When they said they felt the presence of the Spirit, wouldn’t it possibly have been the Mother. I long for others to know so there can be a conversation. I wonder how it would be if people knew and talked of her at such times. I sometimes feel lonely and told Janice, “I don’t believe as you and the rest of the church do in such matters.” She replied, “How do you know? There are probably many others who have received such a witness and know but also don’t talk much about it.” That is a comforting thought. I am very likely neither the first nor the last. If it is true then many know and many more will know. It makes me joyful and wish to sing. I want to prepare her way and give her glory. She has been quiet long and has blocked knowledge and worship of her generally, but I do not feel that it is in appropriate, that she disapproves of my mentioning her now nor forbids the worship and love I feel for her. She is soon to unveil herself! As I listened to Marion Hanks’ talk on Sunday, I realized that it may be possible to humbly tell others what I feel by letting it slip naturally, a little bit at a time, without giving offense or creating schism, which would be wrong. I don’t want to make another ‘gospel’ or allow partisan to form. I don’t wish people, especially loved ones, to feel forced to take a position of either supporting or attacking. It would be also a tragedy if leaders felt obligated to take a position against before more full revelation arrived.

This last summer I read Bly’s “A little book on the Human Shadow.”  It made a big impression on me. I realized that there are many parts of myself that I have put away in the dark and that it is time for me to take them out again and look at them. It is time for me to recover my past, to be nourished by ‘eating my shadow.’  Bly is a poet and the images he evokes are powerful. I had dreams last summer which incorporated his counsel and that of the Ulanovs which teach me of myself.  I have had impressions which complement these musings. I have never been to a high school reunions because of the time and distance. Our trip to Denver was one that I looked forward to. I felt that it would be a voyage of recovery and a spiritual experience. It was. I looked forward to the trip. It was just Janice and I driving over. We left Friday morning and took turns driving. We also talked and read the proofs of Margaret’s and Paul’s book. Janice was to appear on a panel on it at the Sunstone Theological Symposium. I also wanted to read it. 

The time in Denver was good, along the lines of recovery as I felt, but better than I anticipated. No close friends were there but after the time I feel kinship with many I met again. I felt a great desire to celebrate the lives of these friends and comfort them, who had discovered that their life was not exactly what they had anticipated. We also had time to talk friend to friend to my parents for a while Sunday morning before leaving. I was a time of reaching out with love and understanding and causing new and comforting encounters to be. The epiphanal experience came on the way home. It was about noon. Janice was driving--she had been since Denver--And I was reading to her and me. I got to a part of the book that overwhelmed me suddenly. 

 “Rather each is cast in the Image of the Mater Dolorosa, the mourning mother who imposes upon herself a voluntary exile in order to wander with, and comfort her children, mourning and grieving in the veil of tears...” At this point I felt tears welling up inside of me and I choked on, “She is like Rachel weeping for her children. She is De...”

I couldn’t control my voice, I couldn’t go. I wept for a while and then said, “I am very touched by this,” Janice said it is more than that. It’s revelation.” I said, “She is here with us. She is in the back seat with us and.”

What was I feeling? I was saying inside myself, “This is what I want--To comfort in this veil of tears, to nurture, not to advance myself. This is what I have always wanted--yearning. I want to share your loneliness and sorrows.  How can I?  Oh, that I could comfort with you!”

Then I said aloud, realizing as I spoke it was of Jesus and myself.  “The eldest son is the mother’s son. She tells him to nourish his younger brothers and sisters when she must go away...if she is to die.” I want to comfort and mourn.

I realized that She wasn’t in the back seat. She was around me and before me. With tear fogged eyes I saw her fill the horizon in front of me. --I couldn’t go on reading. Tears were on my cheeks. I am not usually so over come with feelings. I rarely cry. I stopped wondering if Janice would wonder why I was having such trouble going forward. I began wondering if I could remain on earth. I was being expanded and it was both joyful and it hurt!

This was not just empathy for the Mother. This was epiphany.  “She is here!” I felt such love and identification for her and her work and rapture at her presence.

 “What would I tell Janice? What could I tell her?” Finally I regained control and found out. 

 “I’ve given my heart to the Mother. She was here and I wasn’t sure that I would go on living.”

These thoughts I wrote down immediately after and I am glad I did. Seven months later the reality of the experience has not dissolved. I know it to be true by the way it changed me and goes on changing me. But many of the details I would have lost. Now I will continue with the ‘reflections’ I made at the time:

The Holy Ghost, particularly as comforter, is ‘She’ to me now. This not an intellectual or conscious decision, but a change of most profound being. And I am acquainted with her!

I realize that to some this is blasphemous, but I know it and several times said, “They can go ahead a kill me know I cannot deny it.”

Janice asked me about it and I said, “No, I do not think they will but I can not deny her.” (Later I had reflections on what “denying the Holy Ghost” means.

My heart is full of anthems of praise for her:

 “Blessed Eve, mother of all Living,”

 “Who comforts us her children in the world.”

--And there is more that I don’t recall.

I realized and said, “Now, I am a prophet of the Mother.” and I wondered how I am to avoid ‘spilling the beans’ about her! I’d like to remain at BYU. I’m glad that Janice was with me and said so. She says that she is also glad and it helps her to know that her ideas are right. Janice also points out that

1. I’ve see what many women have wanted and here she has appeared to a man. I think that they will not until they want to nourish more that they want power. It is easier for me as a man to see her because Comforting is not my assigned role but I miss and long for it.  

I asked her, “Are you jealous?” 

She replied, “No, I am happy to share it and to know that things I have felt were true are true.”

2. Janice asked, “Do you realize you’ve become a mother today?” I didn’t but realized that in a very real sense this is so.

3.  “Well, do you know what she wants you to do?’’

4. Janice observed “What happened today is scripture as much as anything that you will read in what we call the scriptures, maybe more for us.

We observed that we could not have done better in Sabbath Day worship if we had gone to church, which was such an understatement that we both laughed.

What I have written is true. This is my witness.

 David D. Allred March 13, 1991.