The
epiphany with mother in heaven was in 1990 and one of my blog posts talks about what
had happened as of the two month of 1991. I had hoped that the leaders of
the church would also be getting revelation about our mother in heaven. Instead
it soon seemed things were going the other way. A young lady prayed to mother
and father in heaven in a public meeting at BYU. I had some dread when I heard
this because it seemed that perhaps it was being done for effect and not from
knowledge. I’ve since decided that I was probably too judgmental, but then I
was coming from a true believing Mormon background. I was being faced with
conflicts between what I’d hoped would happen-leaders having contact with
mother in heaven and speaking of that from the pulpit- and what was really
happening-putting the act of praying to mother in heaven as a first intimation
of apostasy.
Instead
of things getting better for those who hope for our mother in heaven becoming
more recognized, about this time church leaders begin speak against praying to
mother in heaven and warned local leaders to look for the first signs of
apostasy.
Janice
Allred wrote in: “White Bird Flying: My Struggle for a More Loving, Tolerant,
and Egalitarian Church.” “President Gordon B. Hinckley, first counselor to the
largely nonfunctioning President Ezra Taft Benson, had given an address to the
Regional Representatives in April 1991, warning them to beware of ‘small
beginnings of apostasy.’ Prayers to Mother in Heaven were cited as an example.
He repeated that portion of his speech to the women's general meeting in
September 1991. I knew of several women who had been released from callings and
chastised just for talking about the Heavenly Mother.”
This
is what I wrote in August of 1991.
About the time of Sunstone this year we became a
aware that President Hinckley in a training session for regional
Representatives and Area Presidents had discussed apostasy in the sense of the
great apostasy in the years after the twelve's death and told them to be
watchful for such things. The example which he choose was that of the
practice of some to pray to our Heavenly Mother. Janice got a copy of the
speech, it may have been, from the redemptive Cooking Club. It rapidly became a
topic of private conversation and some intense personal concern for me because
I pray to Her frequently in my private prayers and long for a time and place to
testify of her and praise her to others. I am doing that more now to private
groups. At a meeting of the Mormon Women's Forum August after the meeting the
subject came up somehow. Nanette Stone told of her experience in seeing her own
dead parents and then behind them her Heavenly Parents. I told her and the
other two or three listening of my experience. The comments were well received
and it felt good to be able to share knowledge of her which so enlivens me.
It doesn't seem accidental that Gordon Hinckley would say what he said in this way. At the Sunstone theological panel Daniel Rector[1] called attention to the regional representative talk with the observation in his prediction for the future of Mormon Theology that “He was inspired to make the statements.” Now Daniel doesn't believe it is wrong to pray to her, that we know nothing of her etc. He told me that he feels that he is inspired to know that this is the issue of our time and this may force more to respond to their beliefs. Indeed…
I have wonder since last year when I had the epiphany what to say about Janice and my experience to our fellow saints. From the beginning I felt that I shouldn't talk of it generally. It would be premature. There is precedence for members receiving important knowledge of the character of God and godliness before such were announced to the church. Snow heard the couplet “As man is God once was and as God is Man may become,” in about 1831 years before the King Follett address and Eliza Snow talked of “I have a mother there,” in the poem which has become “Oh, My Father” to have the president of the church later confirm it. I have worried that discussing such things ahead of time could polarize the church and precipitate rash statements contradicting the truth which could make it hard for the members since later leaders would find themselves in having to reverse themselves. The thought of the massive and painful rejection that we could experience is also sobering. My employer is the church and BYU professors have been dismissed for speaking unorthodox views, but I know all along that I cannot deny her, come what come and I long for the day that I can speak openly of such things and that She would let me testify of her. It may not be premature now to speak of her. The future may be here now much quicker than I had imagined because of Hinckley's comment. That is why though my first response was a touch of dread and anxiety that if what I know I were generally known to believe some might wish to drum me out as being in de facto apostasy, I have welcomed this as evidence of Her coming revelation and I feel more desire, boldness and, indeed, assent to speak of Her.
Still I want to conform to the requirements of the church. Could I stop praying to her privately? Janice and I were talking about this on the way back from the Bagley's (Kathy Ray was in from NJ) Sunday night Aug. 11, 1991. Could I not worship her? It is different for us than for others. I have been in Her presence and knew it. Janice said “If you are in the presence of deity you have no choice but to worship.” Actually there is another unthinkable action and that is to turn ones back, but that is a too horrible sin, to deny the Holy Ghost. We have talked several times about the praying of the Nephites to Jesus Christ when he was with them. Some have said we are not to pray to Jesus, but these did and Jesus did not rebuke them but explained that they did so because he was with them. He was God. To be in the presence of deity makes the world different for you from that time forth. I can't not worship Her and Him because to do so would be to deny them. I can't do that! It may be different for those who haven't had this experience.
Janice says she has wondered long what worship means. As we had this conversation she say that she sees that being in the presence of God is to worship him (them) and to worship is to put yourself into the presence of God.
It doesn't seem accidental that Gordon Hinckley would say what he said in this way. At the Sunstone theological panel Daniel Rector[1] called attention to the regional representative talk with the observation in his prediction for the future of Mormon Theology that “He was inspired to make the statements.” Now Daniel doesn't believe it is wrong to pray to her, that we know nothing of her etc. He told me that he feels that he is inspired to know that this is the issue of our time and this may force more to respond to their beliefs. Indeed…
I have wonder since last year when I had the epiphany what to say about Janice and my experience to our fellow saints. From the beginning I felt that I shouldn't talk of it generally. It would be premature. There is precedence for members receiving important knowledge of the character of God and godliness before such were announced to the church. Snow heard the couplet “As man is God once was and as God is Man may become,” in about 1831 years before the King Follett address and Eliza Snow talked of “I have a mother there,” in the poem which has become “Oh, My Father” to have the president of the church later confirm it. I have worried that discussing such things ahead of time could polarize the church and precipitate rash statements contradicting the truth which could make it hard for the members since later leaders would find themselves in having to reverse themselves. The thought of the massive and painful rejection that we could experience is also sobering. My employer is the church and BYU professors have been dismissed for speaking unorthodox views, but I know all along that I cannot deny her, come what come and I long for the day that I can speak openly of such things and that She would let me testify of her. It may not be premature now to speak of her. The future may be here now much quicker than I had imagined because of Hinckley's comment. That is why though my first response was a touch of dread and anxiety that if what I know I were generally known to believe some might wish to drum me out as being in de facto apostasy, I have welcomed this as evidence of Her coming revelation and I feel more desire, boldness and, indeed, assent to speak of Her.
Still I want to conform to the requirements of the church. Could I stop praying to her privately? Janice and I were talking about this on the way back from the Bagley's (Kathy Ray was in from NJ) Sunday night Aug. 11, 1991. Could I not worship her? It is different for us than for others. I have been in Her presence and knew it. Janice said “If you are in the presence of deity you have no choice but to worship.” Actually there is another unthinkable action and that is to turn ones back, but that is a too horrible sin, to deny the Holy Ghost. We have talked several times about the praying of the Nephites to Jesus Christ when he was with them. Some have said we are not to pray to Jesus, but these did and Jesus did not rebuke them but explained that they did so because he was with them. He was God. To be in the presence of deity makes the world different for you from that time forth. I can't not worship Her and Him because to do so would be to deny them. I can't do that! It may be different for those who haven't had this experience.
Janice says she has wondered long what worship means. As we had this conversation she say that she sees that being in the presence of God is to worship him (them) and to worship is to put yourself into the presence of God.
The next is a note that I wrote to send to Paul. I
think it was to my brother-in-law, Paul Toscano. This was before September
1993. I don’t know if the note was ever sent.
“There will be a discussion sponsored by the Mormon Women's Forum on Sept. 7, while I am in Wales, on “How should we Worship our Mother in Heaven?” If it seems good maybe Paul, you could present our experience something like this, because many are going to say that we don't know anything about Her and it’s all an intellectual exercise anyway so why worry about it?” ‘I have some friends who have had an experience. It isn't a common experience in some ways but in some ways it just what we ask people to do. Have a spiritual experience and gain a testimony of Jesus and Heavenly Father, but these people, who are committed LDS and have a testimony of Jesus and God, had an experience with Our Mother. Now this was an intense spiritual experience, an epiphany. They were in Her presence. This wasn't something they set out to have, but it happened to them nevertheless. They knew it was real and true and could not deny it. One of them said at the end of experience, “I gave my heart to our Mother.” You might go on to read selected items from what I wrote at the time. Please mention that this experience has not weaken our commitment to Jesus, but has deepened it. We realize that They are one. “Now some say that this is all an intellectual matter, that it really doesn't affect our salvation. But for these it is not. They know and have been in Her presence.” “How they worship Her, and now if they will be allowed to pray to Her even in private prayers, is a daily issue.” Then discuss what worship is, the people near the temple in Bountiful when Jesus was with them and their praying to Him. Argue that when people have had experience like these, and they assuredly are the only ones, it isn't just optional to worship the Mother, not to do so is to deny her. “It is wrong for members of the church, even if they are the leaders, to ask their fellow Saints who have had such experiences to stop their worship, in every way, of Her, as well as Him.’
“There will be a discussion sponsored by the Mormon Women's Forum on Sept. 7, while I am in Wales, on “How should we Worship our Mother in Heaven?” If it seems good maybe Paul, you could present our experience something like this, because many are going to say that we don't know anything about Her and it’s all an intellectual exercise anyway so why worry about it?” ‘I have some friends who have had an experience. It isn't a common experience in some ways but in some ways it just what we ask people to do. Have a spiritual experience and gain a testimony of Jesus and Heavenly Father, but these people, who are committed LDS and have a testimony of Jesus and God, had an experience with Our Mother. Now this was an intense spiritual experience, an epiphany. They were in Her presence. This wasn't something they set out to have, but it happened to them nevertheless. They knew it was real and true and could not deny it. One of them said at the end of experience, “I gave my heart to our Mother.” You might go on to read selected items from what I wrote at the time. Please mention that this experience has not weaken our commitment to Jesus, but has deepened it. We realize that They are one. “Now some say that this is all an intellectual matter, that it really doesn't affect our salvation. But for these it is not. They know and have been in Her presence.” “How they worship Her, and now if they will be allowed to pray to Her even in private prayers, is a daily issue.” Then discuss what worship is, the people near the temple in Bountiful when Jesus was with them and their praying to Him. Argue that when people have had experience like these, and they assuredly are the only ones, it isn't just optional to worship the Mother, not to do so is to deny her. “It is wrong for members of the church, even if they are the leaders, to ask their fellow Saints who have had such experiences to stop their worship, in every way, of Her, as well as Him.’
End of what I wrote in 1991
So things were not looking good at the end of 1991 for
honoring the mother in heaven in the LDS faith. I had just finished my
three-year review at BYU in 1990 and was working towards “continuing status”
(tenure). It was a bit of a bind for me. Now, I had received no direction from Heavenly
Mother that I was to do anything special. I wanted to do her work in helping
people in their needs. There were plenty of opportunities to do that. I knew I
could do it without making a stir-essentially it is doing the service that
Jesus would have you do. But I was uncomfortable with the disconnect between
what I had learned and what the church was saying about people who believed and
did as I did. We had eight children at the time and were trying to raise them
as active Latter-day Saints.
Fast forwarding 24 years.
Daniel Rector was probably right. But it had been not what I expected at all.
[1]
Daniel Rector was editor for the Sunstone magazine at this time. He was a son
of Elder Hartman Rector of the 70 and an active member of the church.
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